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Well, Elliot is three weeks old and already changing. I figure I just need to jump on board instead of sit in the house and try to keep things under control. So, that includes getting back to work on this site. I have a ton of stuff to write about--from breast feeding to sleep deprivation--but before I do any of that I think I need to talk about the birth.
I ended up with a cesarean section. Obviously not the way I wanted things to go. In fact, nothing went the way I had hoped. I had planned for as little medical intervention as possible, but probably ended up having just about everything possible done to me. I'm fine with that though. I'd been telling myself for months that nobody's birth goes as they want it to. Everyone has some sort of hiccup or complication that sends their labor and delivery down a different track than they started on. Babies are born the way they're meant to be born, right?
There were a lot of hiccups and frustrations with my labor... starting with the fact that I was contracting every five minutes for 48 hours before I finally dilated to 4 centimeters and was admitted to the hospital. I got an epidural immediately because I hadn't slept for 48 hours and the thought of pushing was exhausting.
The epidural may or may not have screwed things up for me. There's no way I'll ever know so there's no point in dwelling on it. There were a lot of other factors that led to the c-section. For instance, Elliot was positioned strangely in the birth canal so my cervix was not effacing properly. My doctor said that even if I did reach 10 centimeters dilated, which I never did, she's not sure I ever would've pushed because my cervix might never have been ready.
I also had a few frustrations with the on-call doctor. My experience with her made me not want to go to a teaching hospital again. She freaked out a few too many times for my nerves. She read the ultrasound wrong and told me my baby was breech. Then she actually shouted in fright when my water broke as she was checking my cervix. And, the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when she freaked out and went running out of the room when she saw the baby's heartrate drop after a contraction. I complained to the nurse, who complained to her superior, who brought the doctor in and made her apologize to me. I shouldn't have been as nice as I was at that moment- I was not in the mood for a teaching opportunity for this young doc. After that, she pretty much stayed out of my way. I could tell I made her cry when I complained to the nurse about her lack of cofidence in herself.
So.. all those things were frustrating. But they really don't matter. The part of the birth that matters to me--the part that I cannot reconcile--is the c-section. I don't know if it's just me, but I don't feel like I actually GAVE BIRTH. It doesn't seem right to say that I "gave birth" to a baby because, really, someone just yanked her out of me.
My experience may be unique or it may not. But I am truly heartbroken over the damn c-section because it went horribly wrong. Pretty early in the surgery--before they even pulled the baby out--I started to FEEL THE SURGERY. I could feel the baby being yanked from me and I could feel cuts being made and stitches being sewn. I had what's called a "window" in my epidural, which means that there was a section of my abdomen that did not receive the numbing medication. I could FEEL IT. It was terrifying. And all-consuming--and that's what's most upsetting to me. I kept getting more and more pain medication from the anesthesiologist because the pain kept getting worse and worse. I was under so many heavy drugs--including gas at the end--that I was not engaged in the birth of my daughter. I remember hearing a cry and tearing up, but then the pain overwhelmed me and took my focus off my daughter. My husband was sitting right near my head and held the baby for me to see her and I could barely keep my eyes open. I do not remember looking at her for the first time. I only remember being heavily drugged and feeling pain of surgery.
I don't know if 'cheated' is the right word here. But I feel like I missed the birth of my own daughter. It's as if I were out of town or something. I have to tell you that feeling is a huge letdown. I spent 40 weeks growing that baby and building up to her birth and I feel like I missed it. I know a birth is an amazing event and I feel like I didn't get to experience that.
What is amazing, though, is Elliot. I love her so much. I would die for this child. Now that I'm starting to feel better, I've decided just to start having the bonding with her that I couldn't have in the hospital. That means lots of holding her and cuddling and anticipating her needs before she has to cry to let me know what she wants. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that she relies completely on me for her survival. That is an unbelievable responsibility that I am so proud to have.
So.. while I am still coming to terms with the birth and the disappointment I feel from the c-section, I want you to know that it has nothing to do with the way I feel about Elliot. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I'm looking forward sharing my mothering experiences with all of you.
Thanks for giving me a few weeks to adjust to motherhood. I'll do my best to bring you a post every weekday and a podcast every Friday from here on out.
Your post just makes me sad. On one hand you have all these expectations of how your labor and birth are going to go and on the other you have this GORGEOUS little girl, but it's hard when point A to B don't connect. C-sections are the hardest part of taking care of OB patients for me. I want so much for all of my patients to be able to have a vaginal delivery that when things don't go as planned, either labor doesn't progress or baby doesn't tolerate labor, I feel like I've failed in a way. Funny how we feel that way when you can't anticipate who's going to have trouble delivering vaginally. So I understand your sense of loss. Maybe that will go away with time. I appreciate you being so open about your experience. I'm sure I freaked out more than one expectant mother during my training, but hopefully I didn't run from the room. Elliot really is a beautiful baby. Well done!
Anna,
I just want to give you a big hug. The whole damn c-section just sucks. Just after I had Emma and was dealing with similar emotions, I thought I was just going to shoot the next person (including my loving mom and sisters!) who said, "You have a healthy baby and that's all that matters." It took me a year before I could write Emma's birth story. Perhaps not the most healthy way to deal with the letdown of her birth, but I think I was just in survival mode. I also felt guilty about feeling upset about the whole thing because of my love for my sweet baby. When we became pregnant with Gabriel, all those emotions and fears (I also felt the surgery with Emma's birth) came back and I realized that I needed some help getting through those. I visited with a counselor and also joined the Portland chapter of ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network). www.icanofportland.org The group members are incredible, compassionate women and I have received much support there. These may not be what you need or want right now, but I just wanted to let you know that support is out there. And I'm also here if you need me.
Let yourself feel the emotions, the good and the bad. You're right - your experience may be unique or it may not. But your heartbreaking feelings and experience are truly your own.
I'm so proud of you for focusing on your relationship with Elliot. That love and bond between you can't be replaced.
Take care of yourself, have faith in yourself as a mother and enjoy that precious baby!
Anna --
I feel weird being a man and writing a comment. Speaking as a daddy though let me just say..... Wow! You are one tough lady! You sound like you are handling this whole event really well. You are facing it head on, and I am really touched that you shared this with all of us. Being a dad I understand that I have no advice I could possibly give (if I had to go through even a tenth of what my wife did to bring our son into the world I would have snapped under the pressure!). You, Elliot, and Jason are in our family's thoughts and prayers. Thank you again for sharing this with us. I hope you find strength (although it sounds like you have plenty) in that sharing.
Anna
I am not a mother or even pregnant at the moment but have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember. I was just listening to your podcast in the car and had tears streaming down my cheeks listening to it. I wish I could give you a great big hug. I don't really have any advice to give but just wanted to let you know that your story moved me and if nothing else gave me some insight into how stressful giving birth can be. I hope you, Jason and Elliot are getting to know one another and look forward to hearing your stories as you grow together as a family.
Lots of hugs
Nxx
Oh Anna,
I just listened to your podcast and I cried too. I'm so sorry, I'm just so so sorry, I wanted you to have a wonderful birth experience too and I'm sorry you feel that you were cheated out of the experience of Elliot's birth. I think you're very valid in grieving that loss and going through all the emotions that go along with it.
In my own personal experiences with two vaginal deliveries I still felt like the whole thing was very surreal. Like when they put Avery on my belly I was thinking, "huh, that was IT? Well, that wasn't so fantastic". I mean, I was excited of course, to finally meet her after all that time, and it was so amazing how much my love for her grew every day after that, but it was not like the universe stopped for a moment or stars collided or anything like that. And then 30 minutes after the delivery I ate a hamburger and a shake from In & Out Burger. I had just had what was supposed to be this totally life changing experience and yet there I was, just eating a hamburger like nothing had happened (I was starving of course after not eating all day). Maybe some people do have this amazing connecting/bonding thing after birth, and I always hope for that for my patients, but like you said, everyone has a different experience.
From the doctor perspective, like Jennie, I also feel a sense of failure when things don't go the way my patients expect them to, and it happens quite a lot, even if people don't go to section there usually is something that happens that is surprising to them. I don't know if they're putting that on me (I don't think they are, maybe they are?) but it's more that I feel responsible for their experience. And you didn't mention this, but some of my patients who have gone to section tell me that while they are unhappy with how the whole thing went, they are also mad at their own bodies sometimes, for not doing what it "should." I don't know how to reconcile that for them because I don't have the answers to all of the "what ifs" ("what if I didn't get that epidural" "what if I hadn't had an induction"). Of course I feel bad, on many levels, because they feel bad. And the scientific part of me thinks, "well, 200 years ago 30% of women died in childbirth and isn't it great that we don't have those statistics anymore because we can do C-sections and we can save everyone from bad outcomes!" But then I see people upset even when they have a good outcome because of things that didn't go the way they expected and then I don't know how to feel. Maybe we (as society) have built up the birth experience too much? Maybe it's a backlash from the days when women got gas for the final part of pushing and delivery and woke up with a baby but had no memory of the experience?
One last thing, it's hard for me to listen to your comments about the intern/resident and not cringe a little, because I'm so close to that experience still, and I worry that maybe I've been that young doctor before (I hope not...). I think there are probably times during my training that I also was irritating to laboring women. While I have never run out of the room, I have felt my heart in my throat watching a strip that doesn't look good and wanted to run out of the room! (I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, it's ok not to forgive her if you don't want to, I'm not saying you should!).
I know you already know this, but enjoy her, cuddle her 24 hours a day if you want to, they grow up so fast! You're a great mommy and that has nothing to do with her delivery, that is all about you, don't forget that!
Hi Anna,
What a story...thanks for sharing with honesty!
Hey Anna, good to hear from you again. So interesting to read all these birth stories. You really did great, really! I think the whole birth experience is way too built up, especially when expecting a natural unmedicated birth. I had the perfect natural birth, 100% exactly as imagined and hoped, but I still felt weird and odd and disconnected at the end. Just like Julie above, they plopped Lorelei down on me and I was just like, "what the hell is that?!?!" Now, in hindsight, my disconnection and shock is kind of funny to me, but at the time and shortly thereafter I was horrified by my reaction. We are all exhausted and in pain at the end of the process, and if there is a woman among us who says the instant she saw her baby all the pain lifted and she was filled with energy and love, she would be a liar. I think with time you will feel better about the experience, if I may say so. I know I would have been offended if anyone had said that to me, like it would have taken the power away from how I felt, but I hope you will understand and that it's a comfort in some way.
Oh Anna, I felt so much of your pain when I heard your podcast, I am so sorry for what you have gone through and are going through. I wish there were something I could say to make it better, but I know there probably isn't. Wounds, physical or emotional (and it sounds like you've got some of each), take time to heal. I had a birth experience that I considered good, though at the time I was in complete shock at how incredibly painful the whole thing was, so I can't say I know what you are going through. But I agree with other comment posters that Elliot is precious, and that hopefully spending time with her, cuddling, and loving, will help to heal you. You should be very proud of the way you are handling this situation, to be able to speak so openly and share your feelings and thoughts with your listeners.
Thank you so much for sharing your birth experience with us. Like the rest of your readers I was curious how it went. When you posted about getting sent home from the hospital and your two days of contractions with back pain I was nervous for you. It is the first sign of an OP baby (facing your belly instead of your back) and those labors are the hardest on moms and have the worst outcomes.
I play the Amelie game to myself a lot since learning about it from your Delta Park podcast. When I play the Amelie game with my job as an L&D nurse in mind, my dislikes are two you experienced: OP Labor and bad residents.
Labor nurses dread OP labor (aka back labor). I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Moms who have OP babies all present the same way. They come in with frequent painful contractions complaining that it is “all in their back”. The have been contracting for maybe one or two days. You check them and they are maybe one cm. They cry because the pain is so terrible and they aren’t even in labor. They get morphine and go home only to return, again with minimal progress. This repeats until the mom is finally 3 or 4 and gets admitted. Almost all moms get epidurals as soon as they can and we are happy to get it for them. Back labor is so slow and the contractions are much more painful than regular labor. Babies just don’t fit out in the OP position without turning, especially if they are over 6 pounds. It is one of the most frequent causes of C sections in my hospital. Epidurals are actually a godsend with this labor because we can try to wait it out, flipping moms around to try and get the baby to turn. Unfortunately, it is often futile.
We do not have OB residents at our unit but we do have family practice residents doing their maternity rotation. About half of the doctors work with them. Every year we get a fresh group and we quickly separate the wheat from the chaff. They are all green but most are teachable and get quite competent. Others do not. Plenty of nurses have sat at the desk mumbling to each other “Stupid, stupid resident” after a resident does something particularly galling or stupid in front of a patient. We go after the worst in hopes of getting them kicked out of the program. There are a few lessons a good resident will learn quickly. One is to always pretend that you know what you are doing. We will teach residents at the desk or demonstrate things outside the room and quietly help them in front of the patients. But patients can’t know that the resident is freaked out. Patients are freaked out! Their life and their baby’s life are in their hands. If they look like they don’t know what they are doing, the patient is going to be terrified and mad.
Your resident does not sound competent. If you think a baby is breech you better call the higher ups to confirm it before telling the patient. If you freak out about a decel or water breaking like that in front of a patient you should not be a doctor or a nurse. I am sure your nurse was internally fuming. Residencies start in June! This was September! That is good you made her cry. Stupid resident…
If it would make you feel better you should really think about writing a letter to the hospital and complaining about this resident. The way she acted was not ok. Even if you don’t remember her name just give your name and the day you worked with her. Hospitals really do pay attention to patients’ praises and complaints. If her care was so bad that you will never go to a teaching hospital again, they should know that. The nurses who have to work with her will thank you.
The birth you had, Anna, was one of the hardest you can have. I have attended hundreds of deliveries and I have only had three that were like yours (the epidural wearing off in surgery). I remember them very clearly because they were so terrible for the moms. I really worried about those moms and visited them in post partum. One mom said to me “I thought I was going to die” and she really meant it. She was so scared. It was terrible. I also feel for Jason who had to be in the position of helplessly watching you go through this terrible experience at the time he should be welcoming his daughter.
I guess I am telling you this because lots of people will say “My C Section was terrible too” or “My delivery was also a let down” but the birth you had was not in the category with those. You had surgery without anesthesia. That was not ok. Women were made to push babies out without anesthesia but we were not meant to be cut open without it. It is better to be put to sleep right away than experience that. Moms who have deliveries like yours can be pretty traumatized by the whole thing. That is why I am so impressed with how you have processed this birth and so amazed that you were able to tell your birth story so soon. You should be very proud of yourself. And I am so glad to hear how much you love your baby. Thank God babies are so damn cute and lovable. It really sounds like you are doing everything right in bonding with your little girl now. She will reap the rewards of that through her whole life. What a lucky baby. That is what is going to bring you through this. Keep up the good work and I look forward to more posts.
Sara from Seattle
Anna,
When we came to see you in the hospital, you were reluctant to tell us the story. And I don't believe I had heard all of the story until now. OMG, I can't imagine anything worse for you. Your story brought tears to my eyes and shear admiration for the strength that you possess. Like most of your readers have commented, nobody should have to go through that. Lady, you are strong and courageous and loving. Everything I think a mother should be. Just seeing you with E and J makes me want a family sooner. You guys make it look so easy. Even though I know that it isn't.
IF you are interested, I have a nurse friend who recommended a book for this kind of thing. There is a chapter in it that talks about c-sections and the feeling of loss for not being able to have a natural birth. It is called Ended Beginnings. I haven't read it yet but it comes highly recommended. Just a suggestion.
Love you guys and we are so PROUD of you both.
Love Christine and Ash
Thanks, everybody, for your support. Your comments were extremely helpful. It's interesting to hear other birth stories and surprising to learn that other people have felt disappointed by their own birth experiences, whether they had c-sections or vaginal deliveries. The disappointment was something I was not prepared for and had never even heard of. It turns out that it's quite common. While there is a measure of comfort in that knowledge, it's also quite sad that so many women come away from birth feeling unsatisfied.
Julie- I also have felt anger at my body. I've felt like it failed me. I spent most of last year losing weight and getting in shape to have a healthy pregnancy and I kind-of expected my body to do what it was supposed to since I whipped it into shape. I'm still kind-of mad at my body for not stepping up to the plate.
I don't blame the doctor for what happened to me. It was what it was. The doctor was a nuisance more than anything else but I don't think she caused me to have a c-section. It could've been anything, including my insistence of having an epidural immediately when I was admitted to the hospital.
anna and elliot- we are so glad you are doing ok. have you ever read, Naomi Wolf's book, "Misconceptions?" i read it while i was pregnant. i feel like it would help. after i had frankie i took a lot of comfort knowing that other people had sort gone through some of the things that i went through. i think it is so awesome that you are sharing with everyone your experience.
*heather and frankie
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Anna Johns is a blogger, podcaster and mother living in rainy Portland, Oregon.
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Anna, tears came while reading your story. It's normal, very normal, to feel as you do. I had two c-sections. It is all very confusing. I also end up with the feeling of having experienced a medical procedure and not a birth.
I mourned this fact. It was a deep feeling of grief. I don't know where it comes from, since these feelings are countered with the recognition that my children are alive and well on this earth precisely because of the c-section. If I was living in a country with no medical assistance, they might not be alive.
The only advice I can give you is to first, find a homeopath or natriopath and get them to help you ride your body (and your milk) of all the chemicals you received. It takes weeks or months for those anesthetics to leave. And then just keep on doing what you are doing keeping Elliot close to you. Babies born through c-section need a lot of body contact for a long time.
Years ago I met this girl at my new school. She introduced herself to me with these words, "Hello. My name is Nicole Pareseau. Did you know that cesarean babies are more intelligent and beautiful than naturally born babies? I am a cesarean baby". I kid you not; that's exactly what Nicole Pareseau said. Even though I never befriended her, she was absolutely right. My two very intelligent and beautiful children can contest the matter.