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I feel like the clumsiest parent on the planet. I see so many parents out there who seem to make it look effortless, or at least natural. They easily carry their babies in slings or tote them around in their "bucket" car seats. My baby hates being strapped to my chest and I find the car seat awkward. I can't carry it for more than a few feet without having to readjust (consequently, I never carry her around in the damn thing).
When I have to breastfeed in public, I end up flashing my boob to the whole world because I cannot discreetly get my shirt up, bra off and nipple in baby's mouth without exposing my breast. I don't care if people see my breast, I just wish I could be a little more graceful with this supposed natural way of feeding my daughter.
I look like hell. And I'm not even referring to the baby weight (*sob*). I never have a chance to do my hair. It always ends up in a pony tail because I only have enough free time to take a shower, not to primp afterwards. My hair inevitably ends up air drying, so it is super frizzy and does its natural feather thing (yesterday I had some Farrah Fawcett action happening). Even though I don't feel particularly sleep deprived, I look it. I have dark circles under my eyes. Plus? I am out of mascara so why bother putting on make-up if I can't finish off the look?
My clothes are just plain sad. I'm wearing just a few of my maternity t-shirts, a pair of maternity khakis, and a pair of crappy (non-maternity) jeans I recently bought from JCPenney. At least half of the shirts I wear have spit-up stains on them. I tried on shirts at Nordstrom Rack yesterday and nearly ended up in tears because my nursing boobs are so huge and there is so much fat on my belly that NOTHING FITS. I really don't want to shop at Lane Bryant because I swore to myself that I'd never shop there again after losing nearly 50 pounds before my pregnancy. But I'm running out of options and we're having photos taken with my husband's family at Christmas!
My baby is always washed and dressed up in a cute way, but I look like a complete wreck.
I know parenthood is hard, but can't I at least fake it and make it look easy? Everybody else is faking it... right?
You better believe it that we are all faking it. If feeling like the worse mom blob is not enough, later when Elliot is older and out living her adventures, all the other kids look as if they stepped out of a clothes catalog. Look mum, no dirt, no crinkles, no holes in the knees.
All the paraphernalia parents need is a bitch. I ended up just using a fold-able children's carriage for movement and a warm sheepskin (tradition in German), which I could move around and let the kids lie on where ever I went.
I know you might not believe this, but when Elliot snuggles up to you, crawls up into you lap, or runs over and holds your hand, that is what is effortless and natural part. If you remain clumsy with the bells and whistles, who cares.
Yep, we are all faking it in some way. When I came back to work from my 8 weeks of maternity leave, people marveled at how thin I was and how I already fit back into my old clothes. What they don't know is that terrible postpartum depression and anxiety is better than any diet for losing the baby weight, but it's certainly not the way I would have chosen to get back into the pre-maternity clothes! And I had a hard time breastfeeding in public gracefully too the short time I was doing it. I didn't mind flashing some boob but my husband absolutely freaked out every time and made me feel like an exhibitionist. Who cares, it's just a boob, people. That's probably part of the reason I wasn't too successful at it, which is something that still makes me feel like a failure and faker even though my kiddo has almost weaned herself off of formula.
Some suggestions, if you'd like: Lorelei hated slings too. We got a Snugli and she ended up loving that because her arms and legs were free and she felt less restrained. It was harder on my back but she was happier. Snuglis are cheap, less than $20, so it may be worth trying out. If it works out well you can always move up to the Baby Bjorn which is much easier on the back. We toted LV around many farmers markets and stores and malls in the Bjorn and Snugli--far easier than the car seat. I also got a babysitter and went to get my hair cut before I went back to work. I told the stylist I just had a baby and needed something that was wash and wear and they did a really good job with that. Now it's overgrown and yucky looking because I haven't had time to go back but for a few weeks I felt sharp.
If nothing else, just remember that people are looking at the baby, not you! :-) And a good piece of advice is that you shouldn't have to fit back into the pre-pregnancy clothes for a year after the baby is born. It took you about a year to gain all that weight, so give yourself that much time to take it off.
Hope this helps a bit!
If there is anyone out there who didn't feel the way you are feeling, I think they are either a liar or a person who is lacking in some other parenting aspect.
I don't want to discourage you in any way but it took me until Nia was almost 2 until I started feeling like I had it somewhat together and then guess what happened? Yep, got pregnant!
The fact that you care so much to take such wonderful care of your baby (including getting her all dolled up) is why you are such an incredible mom. You put her before yourself. I think that is the way it is supposed to be - but you have to be careful not to forget about you.
I know I lived in maternity clothes for months after Nate because of the C-section. They certainly didn't look better but they felt better and I used them as a security blanket for as long as I could before I forced myself to take a little better care of me. And, that still doesn't mean I've got this whole raising kids/being a put-together mom thing handled. Heck, the shirt I'm wearing right now has holes in it!
No one knows what they're doing. It's all on-the-job-training, with no manual, and your boss is a short bald guy who screams a lot.
Our firstborn had a knack of demanding a feeding at the precise moment that dinner was ready. I spent many an evening hovering over my nursing wife, cutting up her dinner, and feeding her like a baby bird. Sure, it's funny NOW. At the time it could reduce Mrs. Agent to tears.
Then there was the time she looked down at her breasts and wailed "These don't belong to me, anymore! They don't even belong to you! They belong to HER!!"
It gets better, sweetie. It's slow, and you might not notice, but it gets easier. Hang in there. It's all worth it.
Yep, all faking it. I think it is just that, when you see others, you don't see how they are stressing. We are all so wrapped up in our own new baby worlds that we can't see it.
My son wanted to eat the second we sat down to eat too ... so many meals gone cold while I fed him, or got my husband to cut up my food too.
Ditto what everyone said! I was pretty discouraged by how long I had to wear maternity clothes. I don't think the c-section helped either because I didn't want anything tight on my belly for a long time. I'm still frustrated, because even though I'm pretty much back to my pre-prego weight, a lot of my pants still don't fit. Things seem to have shifted around or something. And like you (and everyone else I know!), my boobs made all my shirts too tight. And I felt like a very clumsy breastfeeder, who was only really comfortable in the rocking chair supported by several pillows. I never got the hang of breastfeeding in public, so I'd sit at home and wait for her to nurse. As soon as she was done we'd dash out and I'd know we had to be back in about 2-3 hours so I'd be ready for our next private feeding. She was very easily distracted, so at the slightest noise she'd come off my breast and start looking around, leaving me hanging out to dry, literally.
I remember having a conversation with Lee about how overwhelmed I felt, and sobbing, "I don't even have time to cut my fingernails!" Seems silly now, but it was a crisis at the time.
It really does get easier. And know that you're not alone!
You are way to hard on yourself. I have seen you in action and you are a great mommy and Elliot would tell you so if she could. Since when do you care what other people think. That happy baby at your breast is the only one who matters and from what I have seen she is not complaining. She is truely a healthy and happy little girl. So from were is sit you have no worries. Enjoy one day at a time. You now yourself the everyday gets easier and you are doing a great job.
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Anna Johns is a blogger, podcaster and mother living in rainy Portland, Oregon.
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This may not mean much, because I'm not a mom, but I live with a great one. :-)
Yes, we're all faking it. I've tried to support Rachel through all of the problems you mentioned. I hope I did a good job, but I know you're not the only one going through it.
Hang in there! We should have a get together night or something again to commiserate and relax. :-)
Josh